When someone touches your heart....even in the slightest ways.

Yesterday morning I got a text saying that my instructor for my hypnotherapist course has passed away on Wednesday night. It was shocking news to me. I thought and hoped that someone was just playing a sick joke! But it was later confirmed to be true.

When the shock set in after confirmation of his passing, my tears starting to flow. I felt the lose. Even though I wouldn't say I was very close to him, but he makes me cry.

Even during therapy, when I was a subject to demostrate certain part of his teaching, he made me cry. Not intentionally of course but just how he could push my buttons emotionally. I am the sort of person what he calls hides my feelings very well. Typical "crab" where it's hard on the outside but soft on the inside.

He called me last week. Saying that he missed me and how come I don't go see him and what's up with me. And if everything is ok. He was also conducting the advance course tomorrow which he asked if I wanted to join in. I told him I am not in the position to spend right now and I am a bit tied up this month too. But I volunteered to be his subject again during his course and I joked about how I was suffering from withdrawal syndromes and how I needed to be hypnotised. I even joked about how he likes to make me cry since 2 times I was hypnotised by him, 2 times I was tearing. He brought out a lot of hidden emotions in me.

This is the second time he's asked me to join his advance course and is willing to talk about the course fees later. I wished I took up his offer the first time. Now I can never learn from him again. I was always afraid when someone is nice to me. I've been brought up to look for hidden agendas when people are nice to me. I have always been independent and I do not like to owe people favors. Only people owe me favors. But his call last week and his genuine concern about how I was got me crying like a baby in the company toilet. I tried so hard not to cry in the office and eventually had to leave my desk and go out in the heavy downpour to my customer's place.

My customers were impressed that I showed up even with the heavy rainfall. They were thinking damn..this girl will come even with the rain! My jeans were wet from the ankles to the knees. What they didn't know is that I had to get away. I had to be alone and cry where no one could see me. I was so sad.

I am still teary today when I think about how he could read me. Because all these years, I haven't come across anyone who could read me like a book when they don't even know me. And by being his subject, he helped me (under therapy) to see my own issues.

I was talking to a customer yesterday and we were talking about therapy. He told me that the one wise thing he did was go for therapy with his wife in his 30s and that had made such a difference in the way he lived and how he saw things after that. And how glad he was that he went.

In Asia, letting someone know you go for therapy is like telling the world that there is something wrong with you! Like it is a taboo! But is there not something wrong with everyone in this world?

I wanted to stop my gambling which is why I sorted out hypnosis to see if it could help. But instead of going for therapy, I thought I will take up the course for future if and when maybe I can't do outdoor sales anymore. Planning for the future kind of. Plus curing my gambling addiction and also well, learn something new and I loved it.

Doc has made it fun and interesting and opened my mind about hypnosis and the myths and misconceptions of it. He has thought me to look inside me. What brought us to where we are today are not the life changing experiences but the little things that happens and affect us everyday. Even some thing we don't remember or have no impression or chose to forget, can be brought back. Some of which are issues we choose to ignore or pretend it never happened, or even convince ourselves that it was ok. But someone, it is still stuck in our heads. Whether we like it or not. Fact. And we don't realise how much we have to deal with in order to get those out of our system. When we do look inside, not even by choice sometimes (like when under hypnosis, the body knows where to take you to your issue even though you don't think it is one without anyone directing or instigating.), we are forced to face it. The problem, the issue, the unresolved emotions, the pain, the hurt, etc.

I saw it with my own eyes how my classmate went back to when she was 5. When I was under, I only went back to 4 years back. When I asked the question how come I didn't go back to when I was young, apparently, the issue or incident 4 years back is something I had to resolve.

I still haven't quite figure out why that was a problem or why my body brought me back. I didn't think it was an issue anymore. But that got me thinking deep.

Anyway, I felt the lose. I felt like he touched my heart even though I hardly knew him. And I feel like I've lost a friend. Someone who was going to help me. And now.....I feel lost.