Dejected. I feel you.

 How does it really feel?

There is not much words to describe.

I guess that is what they call depression.

When I feel like there is no reason to live. There is no meaning anymore. What's there to want to live for?

The night is calm and all I can hear is sirens from afar. The air is cool and yet I find no comfort in anything I see, hear or do. All I want is the night to eat me up and bring me somewhere else.

Whatever I see or hear, has no meaning anymore. Why do people live? What is there to live for? When everyone seems to avoid you. When whatever you tried failed. When all everyone do is push you to the edge.

I seem to come to a conclusion.......my life has been a waste of time. I haven't archieved anything. I haven't done anything in my life worth being proud of. I lived the years. I fell, got up, fell, got up. I fought to live till today and then suddenly realise that I have wasted all this time for what exactly?

Why do people even live? If you say I am on the dark side, yes I am. It's not the situation I am in that brought me here. It's the pressure of trying to fit into this world. To be normal. To be like everyone else. Why?

I can now understand why people choose to end their lives. Because they found no meaning anymore. Not because of what happened to them or what caused the situation. It's because of how they suddenly realise that life has no meaning. Or just the pressure, they just want it to end.  I feel you.

I have had my ups and downs and I am tired of all this shit. The people who are left in my life, who stood by me, not many left. After all the years of being relatives, friendship, all comes to that few people. How can one find meaning in life?

I feel you. All the people who has family and felt dejected. I feel you. I have no relatives and I feel dejected. Not to mention all those who have. Those who call themselves friends and left you to die, I fell you. All the years of friendship has come to a halt. So much for all the years of wasted time building the relationship. I feel you.

Just walking quietly along the quiet street, there was no comfort. Nothing in sight that makes me feel like life was worth living for. Nature has it own course. Things happen for a reason. But what is it that all humans are living for? I've never asked that question till now. I've had my share of good and bad times. I've had my share of experiences of life and love. So what is there to look forward to anymore?

I work to earn money. To put food on the table. To spend on material things. But when that money runs out and you fall into financial difficulty.....you find ways to solve it until it comes to a dead end. Yes, if money can solve the problem then it is not a problem. But when you have no money, the problem is not just a money problem. It becomes a life problem. Because that's when you see true colors and how people will avoid you. They don't even care if you die as long as they are not involved in your problems. I feel you. It is no longer the amount of money that matters. It is the hurt, the rejections, the pressure, the anger, the looks from others, the words they say. I feel you.

I can understand now why people decide to just end it. It is not the situation or the amount of money they owe. It is how they feel there is nothing left for them to long for. They feel out casted from the normal. They can't fit in no more. Just the pressure is enough to push them over the edge. Don't even need words. I feel you.

The feeling of lost, hurt, anger, rejection, loneliness, helplessness, pain, sadness etc....all rolled into one......and you just can't find meaning to do anything anymore. I feel you.

Depression is not obvious. One can hide it when in the presence of others. Because they try to distract themselves by being normal. By hiding the feelings. By clinging on to that last bit of pride. By not showing their real feelings. They smile and act like nothing. They cry alone. And they won't ask for help. Because they have been rejected so many times they have given up. Or they feel that no one understands them. I feel you.

We are asked to overcome this feeling. Why? We are fed medication to numb these feelings. Why? Everyone says we need help. How? Being kept in a mental institute? Being fed medication to make us feel nothing? We already feel nothing. Nothing matters anymore. Why are we even alive we ask ourselves? What is the purpose of living? I've asked myself those questions. I have no answers.

This is the darkest side of me. I am standing on the edge. It's not going to take much for me to take the plunge. Not much. I have no reasons to live and I have no reasons to die.  If I died, everything will be alirght. There will be money and people will be happy to spend it for me. I have nothing to worry about, I have no more friends anyway, so whats' there to live for? I go to work, stressed out with work, stressed out with money issues, stressed out with people chasing me to pay, stressed out with every god damn thing. Why am I still alive? I am not the favorite child, I don't have someone who loves me, my child thinks that his computer is the priority rather then survival, what else is stopping me? I feel you.

As much as there are more reasons for me to be dead then alive, I still have responsibilities that I can't let go. An elder parent. A child not of age. A promise to fulfill. I can just be a total ass and just kick the bucket and leave shit behind. Which is a damn good idea really in this situation. But that little bit of pride still holds me back.

My next question is, is it worth dying? Is it worse on the other side? What if I am wrong? Someone actually loves me? Someone can't do without me? Someone actually thinks that I am somebody and not just a nobody? What if I am wrong?

I am on the edge. I feel you. Tonight, I will go on with my miserable life. I will sleep on it. I will consider all options as I continue to live day by day. I am on the edge and I feel you.

For all those people out there who are feeling the same and came across my blog, I feel you. I want you to know that there are many of us who feels the same or worse. Some not so intense and some more. But I feel you. Let us procrastinate and live another day to decide if life is worth living. Let us feel less and things gets easier. Let us maybe have a little moment of joy or hope that gives us that courage or reason to stay alive. Let us find a reason to continue living.

I feel you. I feel the same.