Freedom

Last night as I was about to go into my depression again, my old friend and instructor called me. While we were talking, it was his birthday yesterday and I sent him a text not knowing if he was in town or not, he called me back to say thank you. As I was saying, while we were talking, I found an old vidoe from 2002 where we skydived together in Perlis Malaysia.

Looking at that video, I realised what I was missing in my life. Not a man, but my love for skydiving. I haven't been jumping for 7 years now. I guess since after my broke up 5 years ago, I locked up a lot of my emotions. So much so that unaware that I have lost my passion in the midst of it all.

The video showed me and 5 Aussies plus my instructor and another 4 malaysians doing the 10 way. It was awsome! I spent the whole of last night trying to upload it onto you tube. Figuring how to share it with my friends on facebook too.

I guess when I get busy or get involved in something I have much more passion for, I forget about my addiction for gambling. And I realised that all these time when I went into gambling, I was looking for thrill. I should have thought about skydiving and spending my money there instead but I didn't. I guess when the love died, the passion is gone too. Not the love for skydiving but just that it got mixed up with the emotions.

Watching the video has set me free. I realised that my love for skydiving is still there. Watching the vidoe brought back every single memory of the 2 jumps and the others that wasn't caught on video that few days. The fear that I had since i haven't jumped for 5 years, the feeling of missing that feeling or forgetting what that felt like, the passion.

As we were talking about the good old days, my friend is still a instructor after all these years. He has asked me to go back to skydiving. Now, I feel like I have an aim. Something that I love. Something that I am wiling to sacrafice for just to do it again. I realised that I can now focus on getting my ass to a DZ and jump. I can save my money for my jumps. I can spend it more wisely. And that everytime if I am on the verge of relapse, I can tell myself that $200 is equivalent to 4 jumps. And I can match my money to the number of jumps I do.

I haven't been jumping for a long time and I think it is about time I go back to that sports. I miss it. I miss the old days, I miss the experience. I miss being free in the air. I miss the thrill. I miss being focused. Because skydivin is about being focused and everything is in seconds. No hesitations, no mistakes and safety is a big concern. I miss all that. Decision making has to be firm and precised and on the dot cause there is no time to ponder. The life and death. Where my life is in my own hands.

The happiness after a good jump. The joy of being able to execute an action as planned. The discipline of not drinking 12 hours before every jump. I dont enjoy the waking up in the morning at wee hours but I will do it all the same. The friendship. The meeting of the same kind of people.

I consider myself weird so, meeting people with the same minds, the same hobby, the same enthusiasm, is just priceless. The danger involved. The risk. This goes way way more then gambling. Gambling is all about money and nothing else. But this? It's about me. My life. 7 years....5 years I guess was the point where I got restless. Looking for excitment in my boredom. And I took on gambling. That was stupid. I could have gone to NZ or Oz and had a more eventful time and money well spent instead of gambling.

Now is the turning point. Now it is time to change. I remember my friend telling me that gambling was a feed on for something else. A hunger. Which was difficult to indentify so we deal with the feeding instead. To feed on something else to fill that hunger. But I wasn't convinced. I was searching for what the hunger was and what caused it. I guess I know now.

Because my life has been so exciting, when growing up, I've always had that hunger for thrill. Every since skydiving, nothing else mattered. Nothing else I guess could feed that hunger. And I am realising now what that hunger might be. It is such a relief.

I was feeling so depressed I was starting to feel hopeless. But last night and today, after watching that video over and over and over and over again, I've realised what I was missing. And I have refound my love and passion. Something that I've held so dearly to my heart and lost it in the midst of living without.

I am determind to be free. Free in the air, free from the stupid addiciton of gambling online, free to be who I really am, freefalling.