New Year, New Beginning...or not!

Well, we all have resolutions for the new year and what is your? Same like last year or something totally new? But what happens to last year's problems and are they still around for the new year?

Well, my problems are still the same and I think they will be for the next couple of years unless of course I strike the lottery or something. But then again, who is to say that the problem will not come back and haunt me in the future?

So far, as far as I am concerned, I have to admit that having made some good decisions last year. Firstly of course was to admit my problem and face it instead of living in denial. I don't deny that I have many replases since but I am proud to say that I am more in control and less addictive. My work has used up most of my brains and has been more challanging to give me a high rather then gambling.

I realised that I am the sort of person who look for excitment when I am bored. Now that maybe the economy has picked up, I have more excitment at work thus no need to feed the hunger. Life has been rather challenging for me in the last past month. Having been to China and getting really pissed off with work and seeing for myself the mentality of the chinese and how they work. I wouldn't say I would go back anytime soon if given a choice!!

Then we had the holidays which Christmas I spend in Shanghai totally miserable and the good thing was they ban gambling online so no chance of doing that at all. Which I think sometimes maybe that is what government should do! They ban porno websites but not gambling. Why??

Gambling I think does more damage then porno if you ask me!! But then again, if you have to pay for it then yes, it is just as bad. But gambling sites make so much money I think it is ridiculous. How often can you verify that the person they announced actually won or is it a bogus?

I am glad for one that I did not go cold turkey on my addiction. I know how it will blow up in my face sooner or later. But being control is a much better feeling. And keeping the bank free of access money is a good way to keep me under control. Credit cards of high interest has been cleared on high priority and juggling the low interest to ensure that they do not max out and to pay off anything with high interest is actually quite interesting. It really works the brain and how to manage. Which at the end of the day, even though I still owe the same amount of money, but at least I felt that I have managed it at a manageable level.

I will have a loan finishing in a couple of months and I am already thinking how that could help me clear my debts faster. Even though I am thinking and going to look for a place to buy with my CPF, I have something to look forward to with access cash. Most importantly, it is to one day become debt free. After all my little debts are cleared, I will work on the bigger one like house and car to try and clear off so that when I do retire, I have no burdens.

At the rate I am going at my job, I can do better. I know I can and I should do so now before I get too old. I don't need to be in a high post in a huge company but I need to make enough money for me. But how much is enough?

Well, I have been lucky and have some extra income from 4D but not much...but that helps a little.

I will still work harder this year to accomplish my goals. I do want to try and clear everything before 2013.

If we believe, we can achieve. Happy New Year!!

Freedom

Last night as I was about to go into my depression again, my old friend and instructor called me. While we were talking, it was his birthday yesterday and I sent him a text not knowing if he was in town or not, he called me back to say thank you. As I was saying, while we were talking, I found an old vidoe from 2002 where we skydived together in Perlis Malaysia.

Looking at that video, I realised what I was missing in my life. Not a man, but my love for skydiving. I haven't been jumping for 7 years now. I guess since after my broke up 5 years ago, I locked up a lot of my emotions. So much so that unaware that I have lost my passion in the midst of it all.

The video showed me and 5 Aussies plus my instructor and another 4 malaysians doing the 10 way. It was awsome! I spent the whole of last night trying to upload it onto you tube. Figuring how to share it with my friends on facebook too.

I guess when I get busy or get involved in something I have much more passion for, I forget about my addiction for gambling. And I realised that all these time when I went into gambling, I was looking for thrill. I should have thought about skydiving and spending my money there instead but I didn't. I guess when the love died, the passion is gone too. Not the love for skydiving but just that it got mixed up with the emotions.

Watching the video has set me free. I realised that my love for skydiving is still there. Watching the vidoe brought back every single memory of the 2 jumps and the others that wasn't caught on video that few days. The fear that I had since i haven't jumped for 5 years, the feeling of missing that feeling or forgetting what that felt like, the passion.

As we were talking about the good old days, my friend is still a instructor after all these years. He has asked me to go back to skydiving. Now, I feel like I have an aim. Something that I love. Something that I am wiling to sacrafice for just to do it again. I realised that I can now focus on getting my ass to a DZ and jump. I can save my money for my jumps. I can spend it more wisely. And that everytime if I am on the verge of relapse, I can tell myself that $200 is equivalent to 4 jumps. And I can match my money to the number of jumps I do.

I haven't been jumping for a long time and I think it is about time I go back to that sports. I miss it. I miss the old days, I miss the experience. I miss being free in the air. I miss the thrill. I miss being focused. Because skydivin is about being focused and everything is in seconds. No hesitations, no mistakes and safety is a big concern. I miss all that. Decision making has to be firm and precised and on the dot cause there is no time to ponder. The life and death. Where my life is in my own hands.

The happiness after a good jump. The joy of being able to execute an action as planned. The discipline of not drinking 12 hours before every jump. I dont enjoy the waking up in the morning at wee hours but I will do it all the same. The friendship. The meeting of the same kind of people.

I consider myself weird so, meeting people with the same minds, the same hobby, the same enthusiasm, is just priceless. The danger involved. The risk. This goes way way more then gambling. Gambling is all about money and nothing else. But this? It's about me. My life. 7 years....5 years I guess was the point where I got restless. Looking for excitment in my boredom. And I took on gambling. That was stupid. I could have gone to NZ or Oz and had a more eventful time and money well spent instead of gambling.

Now is the turning point. Now it is time to change. I remember my friend telling me that gambling was a feed on for something else. A hunger. Which was difficult to indentify so we deal with the feeding instead. To feed on something else to fill that hunger. But I wasn't convinced. I was searching for what the hunger was and what caused it. I guess I know now.

Because my life has been so exciting, when growing up, I've always had that hunger for thrill. Every since skydiving, nothing else mattered. Nothing else I guess could feed that hunger. And I am realising now what that hunger might be. It is such a relief.

I was feeling so depressed I was starting to feel hopeless. But last night and today, after watching that video over and over and over and over again, I've realised what I was missing. And I have refound my love and passion. Something that I've held so dearly to my heart and lost it in the midst of living without.

I am determind to be free. Free in the air, free from the stupid addiciton of gambling online, free to be who I really am, freefalling.