New Year, New Beginning...or not!

Well, we all have resolutions for the new year and what is your? Same like last year or something totally new? But what happens to last year's problems and are they still around for the new year?

Well, my problems are still the same and I think they will be for the next couple of years unless of course I strike the lottery or something. But then again, who is to say that the problem will not come back and haunt me in the future?

So far, as far as I am concerned, I have to admit that having made some good decisions last year. Firstly of course was to admit my problem and face it instead of living in denial. I don't deny that I have many replases since but I am proud to say that I am more in control and less addictive. My work has used up most of my brains and has been more challanging to give me a high rather then gambling.

I realised that I am the sort of person who look for excitment when I am bored. Now that maybe the economy has picked up, I have more excitment at work thus no need to feed the hunger. Life has been rather challenging for me in the last past month. Having been to China and getting really pissed off with work and seeing for myself the mentality of the chinese and how they work. I wouldn't say I would go back anytime soon if given a choice!!

Then we had the holidays which Christmas I spend in Shanghai totally miserable and the good thing was they ban gambling online so no chance of doing that at all. Which I think sometimes maybe that is what government should do! They ban porno websites but not gambling. Why??

Gambling I think does more damage then porno if you ask me!! But then again, if you have to pay for it then yes, it is just as bad. But gambling sites make so much money I think it is ridiculous. How often can you verify that the person they announced actually won or is it a bogus?

I am glad for one that I did not go cold turkey on my addiction. I know how it will blow up in my face sooner or later. But being control is a much better feeling. And keeping the bank free of access money is a good way to keep me under control. Credit cards of high interest has been cleared on high priority and juggling the low interest to ensure that they do not max out and to pay off anything with high interest is actually quite interesting. It really works the brain and how to manage. Which at the end of the day, even though I still owe the same amount of money, but at least I felt that I have managed it at a manageable level.

I will have a loan finishing in a couple of months and I am already thinking how that could help me clear my debts faster. Even though I am thinking and going to look for a place to buy with my CPF, I have something to look forward to with access cash. Most importantly, it is to one day become debt free. After all my little debts are cleared, I will work on the bigger one like house and car to try and clear off so that when I do retire, I have no burdens.

At the rate I am going at my job, I can do better. I know I can and I should do so now before I get too old. I don't need to be in a high post in a huge company but I need to make enough money for me. But how much is enough?

Well, I have been lucky and have some extra income from 4D but not much...but that helps a little.

I will still work harder this year to accomplish my goals. I do want to try and clear everything before 2013.

If we believe, we can achieve. Happy New Year!!

Stroke of luck? Not?

We all hope to be one day be free.......of everything but does anyone have specifics of what exactly or does the list just never ends for each human being?? What is on the top of your list?

Mine? Well....naturally to be able to spend again without worrying! But I have to say, this shit hole that I've plunged myself, I am kind of enjoying being in it....the dirt, mud and the whole darkness, not knowing thing. Sitting duck, waiting for the worst to happen!!

I know, it sounds sick to the head but is anyone not at some point in life? Menopause is just an excuse I think. But anyway, I have not hit that age yet so.....I am considered sick.

But we always say, try to find fun in misery to make it less painful......try.....and so I did.

I move up the scale a little on my debts and I go out to try my luck to see if I can get rid of more only to incurr back the same level more or less.....I know I know.....sad but true.

But then again, I have made life so difficult for myself.....I kind of enjoy it!!! Firstly, I make sure my bank is empty most times except for the monthly deductions I have to make sure that they are there....then I pay more on my debts a little at a time so as to get rid of any spare cash I have......then of course, the easily accessibe banks, I make sure they are maxed out to either installment plans or loans. Or they don't have internet banking....or cancelled basically.

But the thing is, when I get some lee way, naturally the mind starts wondering etc....sigh.....I believe that there are a lot of people like me.......going forward 2 steps and one step back.

But eventually we will get there unless we get some help from the one above or well....lady luck.

So....meantime, all I have to do is keep trying to be disciplined!!!

Next Small Step

Well, what do we do when we are eye brow high in debts only being able to pay the minimum and juggling between all accounts?

Well, I think I took another step. I took up a loan to pay off the 24% credit cards which were charging over $200 in interest every month. I took a 4 year loan such that I can be disciplined to pay off every month without fail. I also made sure it was another account where there is no monthly deductions from so that I will not be confused or mess up. My normal bank account has got too many deductions and sometimes I forget and mess up.

I think taking the responsibility and realising that there is no easy way out is at least a small step that I can make to make sure I see the light at the end of the road. Right now, I have cleared 2 cards with that amount I loaned and it sure feels good to see zeros in an account. That way I know that the bank is no longer able to make anymore money out of me! Hah! Take that!

Then I have a one month holiday before the loan takes off and that would ease another account as well. 4 months of interest and i am paying off one month's loan. If you do the math, it comes to be alot and I have heard friends who has been in this before and is still paying after 10 years!!

It's coming end of the year and I am ready to clear another card to lower all my acconts to interest under 18% and lower. I am making sure that I do not fall back into the same trap. Even though there will be relapses, but it will be under control. Because I cannot afford to take another loan for the next 4 years.

Also, by next year March, one of my loan will be over and it would be easier on me and I wouldn't be so tight. At least then I will have more to look forward to like holidays etc. Plus I guess my mum's new place will be coming and we will be moving which will need some money for furnitures etc. Which is something I need to save for.

I work in sales and from commissions to help me make more. With this economy, I still dont know if next year will be up or down. Which means my income could be lesser then the last two years. I am still at the 70K mark but at least it is getting lesser. With the loan, every month it will get lesser. And it is this little step we take.

Keep on going, I am sure I will make it there one day. My target is to clear within 3 years if I can. Hopefully we will get bonuses and that would help alot. And alot faster too.

We have to believe in ourselves to make things happen.

Self Help

Well, I had a whole weekend to think about my life and what I should do with it.

I've started reading again. Self help books. I've realised that so many books that I've read, I've practised but forgotten after a while.

What is self help? Does self help works? Can anyone actually self help?

I guess it all depends on will power, determination, willingness, support from people around you, and most importantly, how much you want it.

I've been saying...even my title is saying "dreaming". So how is that ever going to happen if it is only dreaming? I've realised since I've identified that I am in shits, I have done very little to change it. I went around, it, looked at it, got depressed over it and did very little to change it and then relapsed to make it back where I started. In other words, went around in circles.

I know it is wrong. I know it is a terrible situation. I know that I must help myself and get out of this rut. I know. But what did I do about it? The only thing I did, I think anyway, was got over the depression of it. I guess maybe that was the wrong thing to do. Now, I don't feel sad or depressed about the situation anymore. I've been discipline for a while and then a relapse. Which I am not proud of. But at that moment, I can't say I was in my right mind.

So what am I going to do now? I've been thinking and I think that I must change. Not about my situation but me. I am the one that is the problem, not the debt!! If I change, things will change. I have to change my daily life, my habits, my timing, my social even, my lifestyle, my wants, my needs even.

"I" have to change. Not anything else or anyone else. But how do I do that? What do I do? Where do I start?

I still have lots of thinking and reading to do. But my goal is to be out of this rut in 2 years time. I want to be totally debt free in 2 years and I have 2 years to sort out my shit. If not sooner. And I think that is where I will start and go backwards.

Wish me determination, courage, discipline and focus. I don't think luck will help me at this point!