Stroke of luck? Not?

We all hope to be one day be free.......of everything but does anyone have specifics of what exactly or does the list just never ends for each human being?? What is on the top of your list?

Mine? Well....naturally to be able to spend again without worrying! But I have to say, this shit hole that I've plunged myself, I am kind of enjoying being in it....the dirt, mud and the whole darkness, not knowing thing. Sitting duck, waiting for the worst to happen!!

I know, it sounds sick to the head but is anyone not at some point in life? Menopause is just an excuse I think. But anyway, I have not hit that age yet so.....I am considered sick.

But we always say, try to find fun in misery to make it less painful......try.....and so I did.

I move up the scale a little on my debts and I go out to try my luck to see if I can get rid of more only to incurr back the same level more or less.....I know I know.....sad but true.

But then again, I have made life so difficult for myself.....I kind of enjoy it!!! Firstly, I make sure my bank is empty most times except for the monthly deductions I have to make sure that they are there....then I pay more on my debts a little at a time so as to get rid of any spare cash I have......then of course, the easily accessibe banks, I make sure they are maxed out to either installment plans or loans. Or they don't have internet banking....or cancelled basically.

But the thing is, when I get some lee way, naturally the mind starts wondering etc....sigh.....I believe that there are a lot of people like me.......going forward 2 steps and one step back.

But eventually we will get there unless we get some help from the one above or well....lady luck.

So....meantime, all I have to do is keep trying to be disciplined!!!

Self Help

Well, I had a whole weekend to think about my life and what I should do with it.

I've started reading again. Self help books. I've realised that so many books that I've read, I've practised but forgotten after a while.

What is self help? Does self help works? Can anyone actually self help?

I guess it all depends on will power, determination, willingness, support from people around you, and most importantly, how much you want it.

I've been saying...even my title is saying "dreaming". So how is that ever going to happen if it is only dreaming? I've realised since I've identified that I am in shits, I have done very little to change it. I went around, it, looked at it, got depressed over it and did very little to change it and then relapsed to make it back where I started. In other words, went around in circles.

I know it is wrong. I know it is a terrible situation. I know that I must help myself and get out of this rut. I know. But what did I do about it? The only thing I did, I think anyway, was got over the depression of it. I guess maybe that was the wrong thing to do. Now, I don't feel sad or depressed about the situation anymore. I've been discipline for a while and then a relapse. Which I am not proud of. But at that moment, I can't say I was in my right mind.

So what am I going to do now? I've been thinking and I think that I must change. Not about my situation but me. I am the one that is the problem, not the debt!! If I change, things will change. I have to change my daily life, my habits, my timing, my social even, my lifestyle, my wants, my needs even.

"I" have to change. Not anything else or anyone else. But how do I do that? What do I do? Where do I start?

I still have lots of thinking and reading to do. But my goal is to be out of this rut in 2 years time. I want to be totally debt free in 2 years and I have 2 years to sort out my shit. If not sooner. And I think that is where I will start and go backwards.

Wish me determination, courage, discipline and focus. I don't think luck will help me at this point!