As days and time passed

 We've all been through some tough periods in our lives.

Some take days, some weeks, some years.

My life has always been a roller coaster.

I've never stayed in a position for a long enough time. Maybe I believed that when things were good, they wouldn't last and thus it goes head diving to the worse possible. And then when I am down, I believed that things couldn't get any worse and it started looking better.

Who knows. It may have been all my own doing and sabotaging myself. But yes, it's always been a roller coaster.

There were times where I got so tired of it all I wanted to just end it. Finding that life is so meaningless. It's too tiring and so forth. You know, the dark thoughts. But I've never gone to the stage of actioning any of it. Just thoughts. Then again, thoughts could be dangerous.

Yes, thoughts can be dangerous. It could be harmless too. And only you will know. For me, I tried all sorts and I explored all sorts. Everyone will try to tell you what to do. Everyone thinks they are right. But only you will know.

I don't preach religion as to each their own. I believe that the answer is in me. Only I will know. I have been depressed in and out. I have gone over the edge and back. I have even wanted to end it all and just not wake up. But...there's always a but.....I've lived this long to come to this stage? I am not satisfied. So there is always the angel and devil in me fighting each other.

There will be friends who support and those who step on you. For those who ignores, stepped, turned away, well....you have the choice. But don't blame me for reacting. I am shutting the door. I don't need friends like you. I am very good on my own.

There, I have come to the stage where I don't give a shit anymore. Do I care about what you think? NO. Hell NO!! I have no interest in what you think about me. What I think about myself is more important. I don't need fame, I don't need people praising me etc.....I don't need your thoughts. Keep it to yourself.

For those who are down and out, depressed, lost hope, remember, what you think about yourself is most important. If you think you are useless, a nuisance to society etc...you will be. If you think you are still a decent person, then you are one that deserves to live on this earth and be human.

I am down and out right now. But I won't stay here forever. You watch me!! When I come back up, you will be a nobody unless you have stood by me or stayed with me. And what is most important is me right now.

Use your energy wisely. Do not waste your emotions on putting yourself down or listening to others tell you just how bad you are. Use it to bounce back. Use it to pull yourself together.

Nobody is hopeless. Nobody is useless. NOBODY is a nobody!!!

Whether you have a religion or find solace in something or someone, you will find the answer when you go deep inside of you. Trust me. Go deep.

Have a good weekend!

Another day

 Another day.

Phone rings off the hook non stop in the afternoons.

Everyone is chasing you, send you threatening messages, chasing you.

You try your best to ignore. You refuse to pick up because you know exactly what they will say and you know just one push and you would go off the edge. 

You try to keep calm. You look at the number and let it ring till it stops. But they keep calling. They don't give up. They keep calling and their determination and persistence is what is driving the pressure up. You feel suffocated. You try to ignore and not feel. You try to numb yourself.

It is tough. It is very hard mentally. It is very difficult to act normal. To go on with your day. To focus on things. 

I can understand why people commit suicide. I truly can. I can feel how close I am to the edge. It's the voices, the phone calls, the nasty texts, the words. And it's pressurizing and mentally draining. You want to think of ways to make the money and to pay them but they are not helping. They don't care if you are stressed out and am doing your best. They just want their money back!!

In this society, money is everything. The people who are dying, they want to live. And they have the money. The people who wants to die, have no money most of the time. I just can't understand those who have health and money and still want to die. But then again, it is just the pressure which they can't take. Some have more tolerance, some don't.

And to be honest, I am on the edge. It is not the amount, it is not a big amount to be honest. Well, to me anyway.....but it seems such a big deal to people. But the pressure is far greater then when I did owe a big amount. It is ridiculous.

I try to distract myself. Try to dive into work. But today, I just can't focus. My mind was all over the place and I was feeling really down and the weather was really humid. I was just walking around aimlessly.

Of course, people say you can block the numbers, put it on silent and all that. But I still need the number for work. So it sucks. A delima.

One day at a time. Take one day at a time. I don't fear them. I just don't like the hassle they cause for everyone. Yes, they can direct it at me but then they start threatening, that is when it bothers me. Not the threats itself. But the hassle that will be caused to other innocent parties.

They want to put people to shame over such small amounts of money. I hope they get their retribution. being nice and understanding and patient doesn't hurt anyone. Plus the money didn't come out of their pocket. It belongs to the "company". And I hope they have nightmares everyday!! Because if I ever go over the edge, I swear I will come back to haunt them all and their family. See how they like it.

It will be the end of today soon. I hope tomorrow I am stronger. I hope tomorrow I am less affected. I hope tomorrow none of them calls me or texts me. I hope to get more sales and money and less of these nonsense.

Let tomorrow be a better day!

Thoughts that matters.

 Having been through life and seen quite a bit. We are always in the midst of our own emotions. Nobody can see, nobody can tell, some may feel, some may express but mostly will just feel it for ourselves.

Hi,

I've always used writing as an outlet for pent up emotions and wanted someone to understand what's going on within. But every time I try to express it, it comes out different or it is perceived in a different way or what the other person chooses to understand based on their own experience or feelings at that time.

The human body is such a complicated machine. The mind especially and many even scientist fail to understand it thoroughly.

How do thoughts come about? Do we really choose what we think or does it come from backed up data?

And what are the backed up data? Experiences? What we hear, see or choose to believe? 

Wow, that's a lot just with a simple thought!!

I think we can choose what we think. Which is by far accurate as if we have  negative thought, we can always choose to correct it to a positive one. If we think about someone or something, we can  always choose not to think about it. If we allow thoughts to linger, well, it stays and forms imagination and we can even make up stories along the way!!

We are what we think we are. If you think you are weak, stupid, not up to it, can't do it, etc...well, guess what, most likely that is going to happen.

So always have positive and strong thoughts. Which religion, scientist, psychologies, even hypnotherapists encourages one to have. Our thoughts forms us. Our thoughts are the strongest part of our body which forms us.

You might not agree but this is just an encouragement for all those out there who are feeling frail, lost hope, need help and are in the shit hole. Keep your sanity and think big, think strong and think hard!! Think of all the good and the posibilities. It will get you by day by day. And you will break through.

Nobody can encourage yourself more then you can. Nobody can make your dreams a reality except you.

Think positive. 

Dejected. I feel you.

 How does it really feel?

There is not much words to describe.

I guess that is what they call depression.

When I feel like there is no reason to live. There is no meaning anymore. What's there to want to live for?

The night is calm and all I can hear is sirens from afar. The air is cool and yet I find no comfort in anything I see, hear or do. All I want is the night to eat me up and bring me somewhere else.

Whatever I see or hear, has no meaning anymore. Why do people live? What is there to live for? When everyone seems to avoid you. When whatever you tried failed. When all everyone do is push you to the edge.

I seem to come to a conclusion.......my life has been a waste of time. I haven't archieved anything. I haven't done anything in my life worth being proud of. I lived the years. I fell, got up, fell, got up. I fought to live till today and then suddenly realise that I have wasted all this time for what exactly?

Why do people even live? If you say I am on the dark side, yes I am. It's not the situation I am in that brought me here. It's the pressure of trying to fit into this world. To be normal. To be like everyone else. Why?

I can now understand why people choose to end their lives. Because they found no meaning anymore. Not because of what happened to them or what caused the situation. It's because of how they suddenly realise that life has no meaning. Or just the pressure, they just want it to end.  I feel you.

I have had my ups and downs and I am tired of all this shit. The people who are left in my life, who stood by me, not many left. After all the years of being relatives, friendship, all comes to that few people. How can one find meaning in life?

I feel you. All the people who has family and felt dejected. I feel you. I have no relatives and I feel dejected. Not to mention all those who have. Those who call themselves friends and left you to die, I fell you. All the years of friendship has come to a halt. So much for all the years of wasted time building the relationship. I feel you.

Just walking quietly along the quiet street, there was no comfort. Nothing in sight that makes me feel like life was worth living for. Nature has it own course. Things happen for a reason. But what is it that all humans are living for? I've never asked that question till now. I've had my share of good and bad times. I've had my share of experiences of life and love. So what is there to look forward to anymore?

I work to earn money. To put food on the table. To spend on material things. But when that money runs out and you fall into financial difficulty.....you find ways to solve it until it comes to a dead end. Yes, if money can solve the problem then it is not a problem. But when you have no money, the problem is not just a money problem. It becomes a life problem. Because that's when you see true colors and how people will avoid you. They don't even care if you die as long as they are not involved in your problems. I feel you. It is no longer the amount of money that matters. It is the hurt, the rejections, the pressure, the anger, the looks from others, the words they say. I feel you.

I can understand now why people decide to just end it. It is not the situation or the amount of money they owe. It is how they feel there is nothing left for them to long for. They feel out casted from the normal. They can't fit in no more. Just the pressure is enough to push them over the edge. Don't even need words. I feel you.

The feeling of lost, hurt, anger, rejection, loneliness, helplessness, pain, sadness etc....all rolled into one......and you just can't find meaning to do anything anymore. I feel you.

Depression is not obvious. One can hide it when in the presence of others. Because they try to distract themselves by being normal. By hiding the feelings. By clinging on to that last bit of pride. By not showing their real feelings. They smile and act like nothing. They cry alone. And they won't ask for help. Because they have been rejected so many times they have given up. Or they feel that no one understands them. I feel you.

We are asked to overcome this feeling. Why? We are fed medication to numb these feelings. Why? Everyone says we need help. How? Being kept in a mental institute? Being fed medication to make us feel nothing? We already feel nothing. Nothing matters anymore. Why are we even alive we ask ourselves? What is the purpose of living? I've asked myself those questions. I have no answers.

This is the darkest side of me. I am standing on the edge. It's not going to take much for me to take the plunge. Not much. I have no reasons to live and I have no reasons to die.  If I died, everything will be alirght. There will be money and people will be happy to spend it for me. I have nothing to worry about, I have no more friends anyway, so whats' there to live for? I go to work, stressed out with work, stressed out with money issues, stressed out with people chasing me to pay, stressed out with every god damn thing. Why am I still alive? I am not the favorite child, I don't have someone who loves me, my child thinks that his computer is the priority rather then survival, what else is stopping me? I feel you.

As much as there are more reasons for me to be dead then alive, I still have responsibilities that I can't let go. An elder parent. A child not of age. A promise to fulfill. I can just be a total ass and just kick the bucket and leave shit behind. Which is a damn good idea really in this situation. But that little bit of pride still holds me back.

My next question is, is it worth dying? Is it worse on the other side? What if I am wrong? Someone actually loves me? Someone can't do without me? Someone actually thinks that I am somebody and not just a nobody? What if I am wrong?

I am on the edge. I feel you. Tonight, I will go on with my miserable life. I will sleep on it. I will consider all options as I continue to live day by day. I am on the edge and I feel you.

For all those people out there who are feeling the same and came across my blog, I feel you. I want you to know that there are many of us who feels the same or worse. Some not so intense and some more. But I feel you. Let us procrastinate and live another day to decide if life is worth living. Let us feel less and things gets easier. Let us maybe have a little moment of joy or hope that gives us that courage or reason to stay alive. Let us find a reason to continue living.

I feel you. I feel the same.

Writing is good for the soul.

 I remember during my worse break up, I was literally going through depression. But I tried in everyway to stay afloat.

First of, I had to go home and stay with mum. In order not to let her worry, I operated like nothing was wrong. I got up, went to work and came home like a robot.

I couldn't eat much, was close to tears all the time, so the first thing I did was to program my mind by doing yoga and then meditation. Literally brainwashing myself as my emotions were out of control. I struggled to keep them from erupting.

I did yoga everyday for an hour. After which I will lie down flat and just keep brainwashing myself. Putting the bad images of the person in a box. Burning it in my head. Put myself in a good place where I feel relaxed and nice. Everytime the bad images come into my head, I grabbed them and put them in a box and burn it. Or tie them to trees in the forest and set fire.

It takes practise. Everyday. And then I had to brainwash myself that the person is invisible. I don't see them even when they are right infront of me. 

On top of that, I travelled and wrote down whatever happened in the day and how i felt about every single thing. I travelled alone and read books and wrote down all emotions.

Slowly and surely, time past and things changed, i moved on and slowly dropped the yoga and meditations as i could control my emotions. Writings slowed down and slowly stopped.

Now as I look back, writing is a way i express myself and release my thoughts and feelings that disturbs me. Negative feelings hinders our judgements and messes with our emotions. We need to find an outlet to let it go.

Which is what i started this 2 cents worth blog so that I could release my feelings and thoughts and i can look back and read and remind myself how i felt that day or what thoughts were bothering me. Of course things that are too personal will be written down and thrown away so that no one reads them. LOL.....

Have a go at wrting out your feelings and emotions and thoughts. There are many ways we can pick ourselves up. But trust me, it is not easy and it takes time.

These days i escape reality by watching movies or tv series. I find that it takes me away from reality. Yes, it may sound like an escape but it keeps me sane. It is not the most productive way of doing things but right now, it helps keep me sane. I should make a break through soon. I know it is coming. And I know I can't go on like that.

Have a good week ahead. 

Borrowing Money

 It seems like to society, people who borrows money are not seen in the good light. Why?

Yes, we've come across so many cases of people borrowing for drugs, gambling, selfishness, scams, con etc.....and yes we've all been there or heard of it.

But there are so many genuine cases of need of help and people generalise them all the same.

I myself when doing well, I had people come and borrow money from me. It is up to me if I want to lend them of course. And if I do, I don't go around mouthing off telling people that this person borrowed money from me. What is the point? Does it make me look great? Am I trying to tell people that I am the better person and the borrower is not? It is because i believe that this person needs some help and i am in the position to do so and I am willing. Not that I am great or anything but I believe every person has their down time. And one day if i am down I hope that someone would help me like I do with others.

I have never borrowed money from people till I went bankrupt. When I got laid off, that was when it started to get hard to make ends meet. I tried all way to try and generate an income and also there were many considerations involved which is hard to explain. But yes, I was down and out and I had to borrow some times. When I had the ability, I would pay back whatever I could. Because my income were not stable it was hard to predict or plan. It wasn't something I choose or want but I made do and try.

During this 5 years of bankruptcy, I realised how hard it was to borrow money. How hard it was for a person to ask another to loan money. It meant bringing down your pride, begging, thinking how to ask etc.....a lot of thoughts involved. But most importantly if that was the last resort to solving a problem to prevent more coming. Is it temporary, how much can it help etc.......

People judge you.  Which also means loosing relationships, trusts and so forth.  To those who were willing to help when I asked, I thank them from the bottom of my heart and pray that they prosper with good health and wealth. Because they are kind. And I promise to pay them back even if it took me a few years. And I will keep my promises. I don't like owing people either.

Everyone is different. Everyone has their own problems. Unless you know that this person is using the money for bad uses, you have the right not to lend. But if you are willing to help this person who is borrowing, please help with an open mind and heart and trust that it will come back. Don't judge because one day you will need their help too. And don't go mouthing off about this borrower, because you are not helping at all if you do.

Everyone has debts and problems. If you want to help, help. If not, just keep your mouth shut because it doesn't make you a better person when you go mouthing off about others.

I've seen my fair share of who are willing who are not, who are the ones that step on you when you are down and who are the ones that throws you a life line. It is when you are down you see the true colors of people. And that is the hard truth.

A recent comment hit me quite hard. Am not sure if it is directed at me or why it was said. But it made me think why is it that the borrower is always the one that is put in the bad light. Why is borrowing such a bad thing. We all borrow from hdb, cpf, banks etc.....that is also borrowing. So why is it that individual one to one is a bad thing or looks bad on a person when borrowing from instituitions are not.

The answer i was told when i asked was this is society. We can't change how people think or feel. We can hold our head up as long as we pay back, we are not cheating or scamming or doing something that is not right or ethical. Not everyone has gone through a bad patch and not every bad patch is ever the same. So no one should judge another.

Living honestly is how one should be and not be affected by how others think of you. 

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Do what is important. Not what is urgent.

 Do what is important. Not what is urgent.

Well, we tend to do what is urgent and not what is important. Almost everyone does it.

Because of the sense of urgency, or we are being pressured or rushed, we tend to just do what needs to be done quickly and get it over with. And most people end up being so busy they don't even know why.

These words has always been in my thoughts. And especially when I start to panic, become anxious and feel stressed. I will ask myself. Is this important or is this just urgent?

After you tell the difference, then you will start to have a clear picture of what needs to be done and not what is rushed which is not important at all.

We all have our own problems. But life still has to go on and things still needs to be done. We've got so much emotions that piles up and we have no time to express them or think about it sometimes. And everyday there are more things that will trigger more emotions. More things to think about and do. So much more then some days we feel like exploding or just give up.

When you feel like giving up, that is the time when we should really catagorise our thoughts and feelings and discard those which are useless or of no importance.

People feel stressed because they have no time to analyse their own feelings and thoughts. Some even go crazy because it overwhelms them. Save your own sanity and spend some time to analyse your thoughts and feelings.

This is something that I remembered being told and something that I should do too more often. So that clustered thoughts and feelings can be cleared and make room to breath.

Have a great weekend!!!