Well, I had a whole weekend to think about my life and what I should do with it.
I've started reading again. Self help books. I've realised that so many books that I've read, I've practised but forgotten after a while.
What is self help? Does self help works? Can anyone actually self help?
I guess it all depends on will power, determination, willingness, support from people around you, and most importantly, how much you want it.
I've been saying...even my title is saying "dreaming". So how is that ever going to happen if it is only dreaming? I've realised since I've identified that I am in shits, I have done very little to change it. I went around, it, looked at it, got depressed over it and did very little to change it and then relapsed to make it back where I started. In other words, went around in circles.
I know it is wrong. I know it is a terrible situation. I know that I must help myself and get out of this rut. I know. But what did I do about it? The only thing I did, I think anyway, was got over the depression of it. I guess maybe that was the wrong thing to do. Now, I don't feel sad or depressed about the situation anymore. I've been discipline for a while and then a relapse. Which I am not proud of. But at that moment, I can't say I was in my right mind.
So what am I going to do now? I've been thinking and I think that I must change. Not about my situation but me. I am the one that is the problem, not the debt!! If I change, things will change. I have to change my daily life, my habits, my timing, my social even, my lifestyle, my wants, my needs even.
"I" have to change. Not anything else or anyone else. But how do I do that? What do I do? Where do I start?
I still have lots of thinking and reading to do. But my goal is to be out of this rut in 2 years time. I want to be totally debt free in 2 years and I have 2 years to sort out my shit. If not sooner. And I think that is where I will start and go backwards.
Wish me determination, courage, discipline and focus. I don't think luck will help me at this point!
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Freedom
Last night as I was about to go into my depression again, my old friend and instructor called me. While we were talking, it was his birthday yesterday and I sent him a text not knowing if he was in town or not, he called me back to say thank you. As I was saying, while we were talking, I found an old vidoe from 2002 where we skydived together in Perlis Malaysia.
Looking at that video, I realised what I was missing in my life. Not a man, but my love for skydiving. I haven't been jumping for 7 years now. I guess since after my broke up 5 years ago, I locked up a lot of my emotions. So much so that unaware that I have lost my passion in the midst of it all.
The video showed me and 5 Aussies plus my instructor and another 4 malaysians doing the 10 way. It was awsome! I spent the whole of last night trying to upload it onto you tube. Figuring how to share it with my friends on facebook too.
I guess when I get busy or get involved in something I have much more passion for, I forget about my addiction for gambling. And I realised that all these time when I went into gambling, I was looking for thrill. I should have thought about skydiving and spending my money there instead but I didn't. I guess when the love died, the passion is gone too. Not the love for skydiving but just that it got mixed up with the emotions.
Watching the video has set me free. I realised that my love for skydiving is still there. Watching the vidoe brought back every single memory of the 2 jumps and the others that wasn't caught on video that few days. The fear that I had since i haven't jumped for 5 years, the feeling of missing that feeling or forgetting what that felt like, the passion.
As we were talking about the good old days, my friend is still a instructor after all these years. He has asked me to go back to skydiving. Now, I feel like I have an aim. Something that I love. Something that I am wiling to sacrafice for just to do it again. I realised that I can now focus on getting my ass to a DZ and jump. I can save my money for my jumps. I can spend it more wisely. And that everytime if I am on the verge of relapse, I can tell myself that $200 is equivalent to 4 jumps. And I can match my money to the number of jumps I do.
I haven't been jumping for a long time and I think it is about time I go back to that sports. I miss it. I miss the old days, I miss the experience. I miss being free in the air. I miss the thrill. I miss being focused. Because skydivin is about being focused and everything is in seconds. No hesitations, no mistakes and safety is a big concern. I miss all that. Decision making has to be firm and precised and on the dot cause there is no time to ponder. The life and death. Where my life is in my own hands.
The happiness after a good jump. The joy of being able to execute an action as planned. The discipline of not drinking 12 hours before every jump. I dont enjoy the waking up in the morning at wee hours but I will do it all the same. The friendship. The meeting of the same kind of people.
I consider myself weird so, meeting people with the same minds, the same hobby, the same enthusiasm, is just priceless. The danger involved. The risk. This goes way way more then gambling. Gambling is all about money and nothing else. But this? It's about me. My life. 7 years....5 years I guess was the point where I got restless. Looking for excitment in my boredom. And I took on gambling. That was stupid. I could have gone to NZ or Oz and had a more eventful time and money well spent instead of gambling.
Now is the turning point. Now it is time to change. I remember my friend telling me that gambling was a feed on for something else. A hunger. Which was difficult to indentify so we deal with the feeding instead. To feed on something else to fill that hunger. But I wasn't convinced. I was searching for what the hunger was and what caused it. I guess I know now.
Because my life has been so exciting, when growing up, I've always had that hunger for thrill. Every since skydiving, nothing else mattered. Nothing else I guess could feed that hunger. And I am realising now what that hunger might be. It is such a relief.
I was feeling so depressed I was starting to feel hopeless. But last night and today, after watching that video over and over and over and over again, I've realised what I was missing. And I have refound my love and passion. Something that I've held so dearly to my heart and lost it in the midst of living without.
I am determind to be free. Free in the air, free from the stupid addiciton of gambling online, free to be who I really am, freefalling.
Looking at that video, I realised what I was missing in my life. Not a man, but my love for skydiving. I haven't been jumping for 7 years now. I guess since after my broke up 5 years ago, I locked up a lot of my emotions. So much so that unaware that I have lost my passion in the midst of it all.
The video showed me and 5 Aussies plus my instructor and another 4 malaysians doing the 10 way. It was awsome! I spent the whole of last night trying to upload it onto you tube. Figuring how to share it with my friends on facebook too.
I guess when I get busy or get involved in something I have much more passion for, I forget about my addiction for gambling. And I realised that all these time when I went into gambling, I was looking for thrill. I should have thought about skydiving and spending my money there instead but I didn't. I guess when the love died, the passion is gone too. Not the love for skydiving but just that it got mixed up with the emotions.
Watching the video has set me free. I realised that my love for skydiving is still there. Watching the vidoe brought back every single memory of the 2 jumps and the others that wasn't caught on video that few days. The fear that I had since i haven't jumped for 5 years, the feeling of missing that feeling or forgetting what that felt like, the passion.
As we were talking about the good old days, my friend is still a instructor after all these years. He has asked me to go back to skydiving. Now, I feel like I have an aim. Something that I love. Something that I am wiling to sacrafice for just to do it again. I realised that I can now focus on getting my ass to a DZ and jump. I can save my money for my jumps. I can spend it more wisely. And that everytime if I am on the verge of relapse, I can tell myself that $200 is equivalent to 4 jumps. And I can match my money to the number of jumps I do.
I haven't been jumping for a long time and I think it is about time I go back to that sports. I miss it. I miss the old days, I miss the experience. I miss being free in the air. I miss the thrill. I miss being focused. Because skydivin is about being focused and everything is in seconds. No hesitations, no mistakes and safety is a big concern. I miss all that. Decision making has to be firm and precised and on the dot cause there is no time to ponder. The life and death. Where my life is in my own hands.
The happiness after a good jump. The joy of being able to execute an action as planned. The discipline of not drinking 12 hours before every jump. I dont enjoy the waking up in the morning at wee hours but I will do it all the same. The friendship. The meeting of the same kind of people.
I consider myself weird so, meeting people with the same minds, the same hobby, the same enthusiasm, is just priceless. The danger involved. The risk. This goes way way more then gambling. Gambling is all about money and nothing else. But this? It's about me. My life. 7 years....5 years I guess was the point where I got restless. Looking for excitment in my boredom. And I took on gambling. That was stupid. I could have gone to NZ or Oz and had a more eventful time and money well spent instead of gambling.
Now is the turning point. Now it is time to change. I remember my friend telling me that gambling was a feed on for something else. A hunger. Which was difficult to indentify so we deal with the feeding instead. To feed on something else to fill that hunger. But I wasn't convinced. I was searching for what the hunger was and what caused it. I guess I know now.
Because my life has been so exciting, when growing up, I've always had that hunger for thrill. Every since skydiving, nothing else mattered. Nothing else I guess could feed that hunger. And I am realising now what that hunger might be. It is such a relief.
I was feeling so depressed I was starting to feel hopeless. But last night and today, after watching that video over and over and over and over again, I've realised what I was missing. And I have refound my love and passion. Something that I've held so dearly to my heart and lost it in the midst of living without.
I am determind to be free. Free in the air, free from the stupid addiciton of gambling online, free to be who I really am, freefalling.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)