Well, I had a whole weekend to think about my life and what I should do with it.
I've started reading again. Self help books. I've realised that so many books that I've read, I've practised but forgotten after a while.
What is self help? Does self help works? Can anyone actually self help?
I guess it all depends on will power, determination, willingness, support from people around you, and most importantly, how much you want it.
I've been saying...even my title is saying "dreaming". So how is that ever going to happen if it is only dreaming? I've realised since I've identified that I am in shits, I have done very little to change it. I went around, it, looked at it, got depressed over it and did very little to change it and then relapsed to make it back where I started. In other words, went around in circles.
I know it is wrong. I know it is a terrible situation. I know that I must help myself and get out of this rut. I know. But what did I do about it? The only thing I did, I think anyway, was got over the depression of it. I guess maybe that was the wrong thing to do. Now, I don't feel sad or depressed about the situation anymore. I've been discipline for a while and then a relapse. Which I am not proud of. But at that moment, I can't say I was in my right mind.
So what am I going to do now? I've been thinking and I think that I must change. Not about my situation but me. I am the one that is the problem, not the debt!! If I change, things will change. I have to change my daily life, my habits, my timing, my social even, my lifestyle, my wants, my needs even.
"I" have to change. Not anything else or anyone else. But how do I do that? What do I do? Where do I start?
I still have lots of thinking and reading to do. But my goal is to be out of this rut in 2 years time. I want to be totally debt free in 2 years and I have 2 years to sort out my shit. If not sooner. And I think that is where I will start and go backwards.
Wish me determination, courage, discipline and focus. I don't think luck will help me at this point!
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Freedom
Last night as I was about to go into my depression again, my old friend and instructor called me. While we were talking, it was his birthday yesterday and I sent him a text not knowing if he was in town or not, he called me back to say thank you. As I was saying, while we were talking, I found an old vidoe from 2002 where we skydived together in Perlis Malaysia.
Looking at that video, I realised what I was missing in my life. Not a man, but my love for skydiving. I haven't been jumping for 7 years now. I guess since after my broke up 5 years ago, I locked up a lot of my emotions. So much so that unaware that I have lost my passion in the midst of it all.
The video showed me and 5 Aussies plus my instructor and another 4 malaysians doing the 10 way. It was awsome! I spent the whole of last night trying to upload it onto you tube. Figuring how to share it with my friends on facebook too.
I guess when I get busy or get involved in something I have much more passion for, I forget about my addiction for gambling. And I realised that all these time when I went into gambling, I was looking for thrill. I should have thought about skydiving and spending my money there instead but I didn't. I guess when the love died, the passion is gone too. Not the love for skydiving but just that it got mixed up with the emotions.
Watching the video has set me free. I realised that my love for skydiving is still there. Watching the vidoe brought back every single memory of the 2 jumps and the others that wasn't caught on video that few days. The fear that I had since i haven't jumped for 5 years, the feeling of missing that feeling or forgetting what that felt like, the passion.
As we were talking about the good old days, my friend is still a instructor after all these years. He has asked me to go back to skydiving. Now, I feel like I have an aim. Something that I love. Something that I am wiling to sacrafice for just to do it again. I realised that I can now focus on getting my ass to a DZ and jump. I can save my money for my jumps. I can spend it more wisely. And that everytime if I am on the verge of relapse, I can tell myself that $200 is equivalent to 4 jumps. And I can match my money to the number of jumps I do.
I haven't been jumping for a long time and I think it is about time I go back to that sports. I miss it. I miss the old days, I miss the experience. I miss being free in the air. I miss the thrill. I miss being focused. Because skydivin is about being focused and everything is in seconds. No hesitations, no mistakes and safety is a big concern. I miss all that. Decision making has to be firm and precised and on the dot cause there is no time to ponder. The life and death. Where my life is in my own hands.
The happiness after a good jump. The joy of being able to execute an action as planned. The discipline of not drinking 12 hours before every jump. I dont enjoy the waking up in the morning at wee hours but I will do it all the same. The friendship. The meeting of the same kind of people.
I consider myself weird so, meeting people with the same minds, the same hobby, the same enthusiasm, is just priceless. The danger involved. The risk. This goes way way more then gambling. Gambling is all about money and nothing else. But this? It's about me. My life. 7 years....5 years I guess was the point where I got restless. Looking for excitment in my boredom. And I took on gambling. That was stupid. I could have gone to NZ or Oz and had a more eventful time and money well spent instead of gambling.
Now is the turning point. Now it is time to change. I remember my friend telling me that gambling was a feed on for something else. A hunger. Which was difficult to indentify so we deal with the feeding instead. To feed on something else to fill that hunger. But I wasn't convinced. I was searching for what the hunger was and what caused it. I guess I know now.
Because my life has been so exciting, when growing up, I've always had that hunger for thrill. Every since skydiving, nothing else mattered. Nothing else I guess could feed that hunger. And I am realising now what that hunger might be. It is such a relief.
I was feeling so depressed I was starting to feel hopeless. But last night and today, after watching that video over and over and over and over again, I've realised what I was missing. And I have refound my love and passion. Something that I've held so dearly to my heart and lost it in the midst of living without.
I am determind to be free. Free in the air, free from the stupid addiciton of gambling online, free to be who I really am, freefalling.
Looking at that video, I realised what I was missing in my life. Not a man, but my love for skydiving. I haven't been jumping for 7 years now. I guess since after my broke up 5 years ago, I locked up a lot of my emotions. So much so that unaware that I have lost my passion in the midst of it all.
The video showed me and 5 Aussies plus my instructor and another 4 malaysians doing the 10 way. It was awsome! I spent the whole of last night trying to upload it onto you tube. Figuring how to share it with my friends on facebook too.
I guess when I get busy or get involved in something I have much more passion for, I forget about my addiction for gambling. And I realised that all these time when I went into gambling, I was looking for thrill. I should have thought about skydiving and spending my money there instead but I didn't. I guess when the love died, the passion is gone too. Not the love for skydiving but just that it got mixed up with the emotions.
Watching the video has set me free. I realised that my love for skydiving is still there. Watching the vidoe brought back every single memory of the 2 jumps and the others that wasn't caught on video that few days. The fear that I had since i haven't jumped for 5 years, the feeling of missing that feeling or forgetting what that felt like, the passion.
As we were talking about the good old days, my friend is still a instructor after all these years. He has asked me to go back to skydiving. Now, I feel like I have an aim. Something that I love. Something that I am wiling to sacrafice for just to do it again. I realised that I can now focus on getting my ass to a DZ and jump. I can save my money for my jumps. I can spend it more wisely. And that everytime if I am on the verge of relapse, I can tell myself that $200 is equivalent to 4 jumps. And I can match my money to the number of jumps I do.
I haven't been jumping for a long time and I think it is about time I go back to that sports. I miss it. I miss the old days, I miss the experience. I miss being free in the air. I miss the thrill. I miss being focused. Because skydivin is about being focused and everything is in seconds. No hesitations, no mistakes and safety is a big concern. I miss all that. Decision making has to be firm and precised and on the dot cause there is no time to ponder. The life and death. Where my life is in my own hands.
The happiness after a good jump. The joy of being able to execute an action as planned. The discipline of not drinking 12 hours before every jump. I dont enjoy the waking up in the morning at wee hours but I will do it all the same. The friendship. The meeting of the same kind of people.
I consider myself weird so, meeting people with the same minds, the same hobby, the same enthusiasm, is just priceless. The danger involved. The risk. This goes way way more then gambling. Gambling is all about money and nothing else. But this? It's about me. My life. 7 years....5 years I guess was the point where I got restless. Looking for excitment in my boredom. And I took on gambling. That was stupid. I could have gone to NZ or Oz and had a more eventful time and money well spent instead of gambling.
Now is the turning point. Now it is time to change. I remember my friend telling me that gambling was a feed on for something else. A hunger. Which was difficult to indentify so we deal with the feeding instead. To feed on something else to fill that hunger. But I wasn't convinced. I was searching for what the hunger was and what caused it. I guess I know now.
Because my life has been so exciting, when growing up, I've always had that hunger for thrill. Every since skydiving, nothing else mattered. Nothing else I guess could feed that hunger. And I am realising now what that hunger might be. It is such a relief.
I was feeling so depressed I was starting to feel hopeless. But last night and today, after watching that video over and over and over and over again, I've realised what I was missing. And I have refound my love and passion. Something that I've held so dearly to my heart and lost it in the midst of living without.
I am determind to be free. Free in the air, free from the stupid addiciton of gambling online, free to be who I really am, freefalling.
Thursday, September 17, 2009
When someone touches your heart....even in the slightest ways.
Yesterday morning I got a text saying that my instructor for my hypnotherapist course has passed away on Wednesday night. It was shocking news to me. I thought and hoped that someone was just playing a sick joke! But it was later confirmed to be true.
When the shock set in after confirmation of his passing, my tears starting to flow. I felt the lose. Even though I wouldn't say I was very close to him, but he makes me cry.
Even during therapy, when I was a subject to demostrate certain part of his teaching, he made me cry. Not intentionally of course but just how he could push my buttons emotionally. I am the sort of person what he calls hides my feelings very well. Typical "crab" where it's hard on the outside but soft on the inside.
He called me last week. Saying that he missed me and how come I don't go see him and what's up with me. And if everything is ok. He was also conducting the advance course tomorrow which he asked if I wanted to join in. I told him I am not in the position to spend right now and I am a bit tied up this month too. But I volunteered to be his subject again during his course and I joked about how I was suffering from withdrawal syndromes and how I needed to be hypnotised. I even joked about how he likes to make me cry since 2 times I was hypnotised by him, 2 times I was tearing. He brought out a lot of hidden emotions in me.
This is the second time he's asked me to join his advance course and is willing to talk about the course fees later. I wished I took up his offer the first time. Now I can never learn from him again. I was always afraid when someone is nice to me. I've been brought up to look for hidden agendas when people are nice to me. I have always been independent and I do not like to owe people favors. Only people owe me favors. But his call last week and his genuine concern about how I was got me crying like a baby in the company toilet. I tried so hard not to cry in the office and eventually had to leave my desk and go out in the heavy downpour to my customer's place.
My customers were impressed that I showed up even with the heavy rainfall. They were thinking damn..this girl will come even with the rain! My jeans were wet from the ankles to the knees. What they didn't know is that I had to get away. I had to be alone and cry where no one could see me. I was so sad.
I am still teary today when I think about how he could read me. Because all these years, I haven't come across anyone who could read me like a book when they don't even know me. And by being his subject, he helped me (under therapy) to see my own issues.
I was talking to a customer yesterday and we were talking about therapy. He told me that the one wise thing he did was go for therapy with his wife in his 30s and that had made such a difference in the way he lived and how he saw things after that. And how glad he was that he went.
In Asia, letting someone know you go for therapy is like telling the world that there is something wrong with you! Like it is a taboo! But is there not something wrong with everyone in this world?
I wanted to stop my gambling which is why I sorted out hypnosis to see if it could help. But instead of going for therapy, I thought I will take up the course for future if and when maybe I can't do outdoor sales anymore. Planning for the future kind of. Plus curing my gambling addiction and also well, learn something new and I loved it.
Doc has made it fun and interesting and opened my mind about hypnosis and the myths and misconceptions of it. He has thought me to look inside me. What brought us to where we are today are not the life changing experiences but the little things that happens and affect us everyday. Even some thing we don't remember or have no impression or chose to forget, can be brought back. Some of which are issues we choose to ignore or pretend it never happened, or even convince ourselves that it was ok. But someone, it is still stuck in our heads. Whether we like it or not. Fact. And we don't realise how much we have to deal with in order to get those out of our system. When we do look inside, not even by choice sometimes (like when under hypnosis, the body knows where to take you to your issue even though you don't think it is one without anyone directing or instigating.), we are forced to face it. The problem, the issue, the unresolved emotions, the pain, the hurt, etc.
I saw it with my own eyes how my classmate went back to when she was 5. When I was under, I only went back to 4 years back. When I asked the question how come I didn't go back to when I was young, apparently, the issue or incident 4 years back is something I had to resolve.
I still haven't quite figure out why that was a problem or why my body brought me back. I didn't think it was an issue anymore. But that got me thinking deep.
Anyway, I felt the lose. I felt like he touched my heart even though I hardly knew him. And I feel like I've lost a friend. Someone who was going to help me. And now.....I feel lost.
When the shock set in after confirmation of his passing, my tears starting to flow. I felt the lose. Even though I wouldn't say I was very close to him, but he makes me cry.
Even during therapy, when I was a subject to demostrate certain part of his teaching, he made me cry. Not intentionally of course but just how he could push my buttons emotionally. I am the sort of person what he calls hides my feelings very well. Typical "crab" where it's hard on the outside but soft on the inside.
He called me last week. Saying that he missed me and how come I don't go see him and what's up with me. And if everything is ok. He was also conducting the advance course tomorrow which he asked if I wanted to join in. I told him I am not in the position to spend right now and I am a bit tied up this month too. But I volunteered to be his subject again during his course and I joked about how I was suffering from withdrawal syndromes and how I needed to be hypnotised. I even joked about how he likes to make me cry since 2 times I was hypnotised by him, 2 times I was tearing. He brought out a lot of hidden emotions in me.
This is the second time he's asked me to join his advance course and is willing to talk about the course fees later. I wished I took up his offer the first time. Now I can never learn from him again. I was always afraid when someone is nice to me. I've been brought up to look for hidden agendas when people are nice to me. I have always been independent and I do not like to owe people favors. Only people owe me favors. But his call last week and his genuine concern about how I was got me crying like a baby in the company toilet. I tried so hard not to cry in the office and eventually had to leave my desk and go out in the heavy downpour to my customer's place.
My customers were impressed that I showed up even with the heavy rainfall. They were thinking damn..this girl will come even with the rain! My jeans were wet from the ankles to the knees. What they didn't know is that I had to get away. I had to be alone and cry where no one could see me. I was so sad.
I am still teary today when I think about how he could read me. Because all these years, I haven't come across anyone who could read me like a book when they don't even know me. And by being his subject, he helped me (under therapy) to see my own issues.
I was talking to a customer yesterday and we were talking about therapy. He told me that the one wise thing he did was go for therapy with his wife in his 30s and that had made such a difference in the way he lived and how he saw things after that. And how glad he was that he went.
In Asia, letting someone know you go for therapy is like telling the world that there is something wrong with you! Like it is a taboo! But is there not something wrong with everyone in this world?
I wanted to stop my gambling which is why I sorted out hypnosis to see if it could help. But instead of going for therapy, I thought I will take up the course for future if and when maybe I can't do outdoor sales anymore. Planning for the future kind of. Plus curing my gambling addiction and also well, learn something new and I loved it.
Doc has made it fun and interesting and opened my mind about hypnosis and the myths and misconceptions of it. He has thought me to look inside me. What brought us to where we are today are not the life changing experiences but the little things that happens and affect us everyday. Even some thing we don't remember or have no impression or chose to forget, can be brought back. Some of which are issues we choose to ignore or pretend it never happened, or even convince ourselves that it was ok. But someone, it is still stuck in our heads. Whether we like it or not. Fact. And we don't realise how much we have to deal with in order to get those out of our system. When we do look inside, not even by choice sometimes (like when under hypnosis, the body knows where to take you to your issue even though you don't think it is one without anyone directing or instigating.), we are forced to face it. The problem, the issue, the unresolved emotions, the pain, the hurt, etc.
I saw it with my own eyes how my classmate went back to when she was 5. When I was under, I only went back to 4 years back. When I asked the question how come I didn't go back to when I was young, apparently, the issue or incident 4 years back is something I had to resolve.
I still haven't quite figure out why that was a problem or why my body brought me back. I didn't think it was an issue anymore. But that got me thinking deep.
Anyway, I felt the lose. I felt like he touched my heart even though I hardly knew him. And I feel like I've lost a friend. Someone who was going to help me. And now.....I feel lost.
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