Stroke of luck? Not?

We all hope to be one day be free.......of everything but does anyone have specifics of what exactly or does the list just never ends for each human being?? What is on the top of your list?

Mine? Well....naturally to be able to spend again without worrying! But I have to say, this shit hole that I've plunged myself, I am kind of enjoying being in it....the dirt, mud and the whole darkness, not knowing thing. Sitting duck, waiting for the worst to happen!!

I know, it sounds sick to the head but is anyone not at some point in life? Menopause is just an excuse I think. But anyway, I have not hit that age yet so.....I am considered sick.

But we always say, try to find fun in misery to make it less painful......try.....and so I did.

I move up the scale a little on my debts and I go out to try my luck to see if I can get rid of more only to incurr back the same level more or less.....I know I know.....sad but true.

But then again, I have made life so difficult for myself.....I kind of enjoy it!!! Firstly, I make sure my bank is empty most times except for the monthly deductions I have to make sure that they are there....then I pay more on my debts a little at a time so as to get rid of any spare cash I have......then of course, the easily accessibe banks, I make sure they are maxed out to either installment plans or loans. Or they don't have internet banking....or cancelled basically.

But the thing is, when I get some lee way, naturally the mind starts wondering etc....sigh.....I believe that there are a lot of people like me.......going forward 2 steps and one step back.

But eventually we will get there unless we get some help from the one above or well....lady luck.

So....meantime, all I have to do is keep trying to be disciplined!!!

Trying stuffs

Well, since the last time that I blogged, after my loan, I have stopped gambling.

Not because I don't want to or have the urge but because I have someone at home constantly looking at my screen when I am at the computer. As much as I know that she is doing that but I refuse to get caught. And that kept me away from the gambling websites.

At first I was furious about them invading my privacy. That is not acceptable. I should be able to have my own privacy in my own home! But then again, I thought about it on the positive point of view and told myself that she is doing that for my own good. That way, because I know I never want to be caught gambling online to risk the consequence of being nagged at for the rest of my life, I controlled myself.

I have cleared my 24% and have lowered all interest rates to under 18%. I am working on making it go down even lower which is a challange of course as there is still the juggling of finances, the spendings, the moving of funs, the calculations etc...which can be fun!

Some things we just take for granted and not even notice before now becomes so clear. My longest loan is 4 years. One loan will clear by next March which is good as that will ease up soem funds to speed up paying off the rest. The other 2 loans is for 2-3 years so by 2014, I will be totally debt free except for my car. And if god help me, I could actually refinance and pay off my car too sooner.

Of course I am planning to get a house next year too. That way, I can rent it out and get some cash to pay off my debts. So all is in plan. That is good.

I have also been trying to hypnotise myself with tools. Sublimal messages which I think will work. I bought it over the internet and I think so far after a week, it is working. Small steps. With this tool, I also need to think of positive words to put in which I think is great. Keeps the mind in positive mode.

I have also started going out. One reason to get out of the house to get the staring at my screen off my shoulders, the other is to just get away from the computer at home. I don't know how long I can take someone staring over my shoulders but I am fighting the negative feeling. I am persuading myself that that is good. I could easily move my screen but even last night when I thought I will do it, I hesitated. I found it unneccessary. So will see how it goes.

Kepping fingers crossed that all works out well.

Next Small Step

Well, what do we do when we are eye brow high in debts only being able to pay the minimum and juggling between all accounts?

Well, I think I took another step. I took up a loan to pay off the 24% credit cards which were charging over $200 in interest every month. I took a 4 year loan such that I can be disciplined to pay off every month without fail. I also made sure it was another account where there is no monthly deductions from so that I will not be confused or mess up. My normal bank account has got too many deductions and sometimes I forget and mess up.

I think taking the responsibility and realising that there is no easy way out is at least a small step that I can make to make sure I see the light at the end of the road. Right now, I have cleared 2 cards with that amount I loaned and it sure feels good to see zeros in an account. That way I know that the bank is no longer able to make anymore money out of me! Hah! Take that!

Then I have a one month holiday before the loan takes off and that would ease another account as well. 4 months of interest and i am paying off one month's loan. If you do the math, it comes to be alot and I have heard friends who has been in this before and is still paying after 10 years!!

It's coming end of the year and I am ready to clear another card to lower all my acconts to interest under 18% and lower. I am making sure that I do not fall back into the same trap. Even though there will be relapses, but it will be under control. Because I cannot afford to take another loan for the next 4 years.

Also, by next year March, one of my loan will be over and it would be easier on me and I wouldn't be so tight. At least then I will have more to look forward to like holidays etc. Plus I guess my mum's new place will be coming and we will be moving which will need some money for furnitures etc. Which is something I need to save for.

I work in sales and from commissions to help me make more. With this economy, I still dont know if next year will be up or down. Which means my income could be lesser then the last two years. I am still at the 70K mark but at least it is getting lesser. With the loan, every month it will get lesser. And it is this little step we take.

Keep on going, I am sure I will make it there one day. My target is to clear within 3 years if I can. Hopefully we will get bonuses and that would help alot. And alot faster too.

We have to believe in ourselves to make things happen.

Self Help

Well, I had a whole weekend to think about my life and what I should do with it.

I've started reading again. Self help books. I've realised that so many books that I've read, I've practised but forgotten after a while.

What is self help? Does self help works? Can anyone actually self help?

I guess it all depends on will power, determination, willingness, support from people around you, and most importantly, how much you want it.

I've been saying...even my title is saying "dreaming". So how is that ever going to happen if it is only dreaming? I've realised since I've identified that I am in shits, I have done very little to change it. I went around, it, looked at it, got depressed over it and did very little to change it and then relapsed to make it back where I started. In other words, went around in circles.

I know it is wrong. I know it is a terrible situation. I know that I must help myself and get out of this rut. I know. But what did I do about it? The only thing I did, I think anyway, was got over the depression of it. I guess maybe that was the wrong thing to do. Now, I don't feel sad or depressed about the situation anymore. I've been discipline for a while and then a relapse. Which I am not proud of. But at that moment, I can't say I was in my right mind.

So what am I going to do now? I've been thinking and I think that I must change. Not about my situation but me. I am the one that is the problem, not the debt!! If I change, things will change. I have to change my daily life, my habits, my timing, my social even, my lifestyle, my wants, my needs even.

"I" have to change. Not anything else or anyone else. But how do I do that? What do I do? Where do I start?

I still have lots of thinking and reading to do. But my goal is to be out of this rut in 2 years time. I want to be totally debt free in 2 years and I have 2 years to sort out my shit. If not sooner. And I think that is where I will start and go backwards.

Wish me determination, courage, discipline and focus. I don't think luck will help me at this point!

Freedom

Last night as I was about to go into my depression again, my old friend and instructor called me. While we were talking, it was his birthday yesterday and I sent him a text not knowing if he was in town or not, he called me back to say thank you. As I was saying, while we were talking, I found an old vidoe from 2002 where we skydived together in Perlis Malaysia.

Looking at that video, I realised what I was missing in my life. Not a man, but my love for skydiving. I haven't been jumping for 7 years now. I guess since after my broke up 5 years ago, I locked up a lot of my emotions. So much so that unaware that I have lost my passion in the midst of it all.

The video showed me and 5 Aussies plus my instructor and another 4 malaysians doing the 10 way. It was awsome! I spent the whole of last night trying to upload it onto you tube. Figuring how to share it with my friends on facebook too.

I guess when I get busy or get involved in something I have much more passion for, I forget about my addiction for gambling. And I realised that all these time when I went into gambling, I was looking for thrill. I should have thought about skydiving and spending my money there instead but I didn't. I guess when the love died, the passion is gone too. Not the love for skydiving but just that it got mixed up with the emotions.

Watching the video has set me free. I realised that my love for skydiving is still there. Watching the vidoe brought back every single memory of the 2 jumps and the others that wasn't caught on video that few days. The fear that I had since i haven't jumped for 5 years, the feeling of missing that feeling or forgetting what that felt like, the passion.

As we were talking about the good old days, my friend is still a instructor after all these years. He has asked me to go back to skydiving. Now, I feel like I have an aim. Something that I love. Something that I am wiling to sacrafice for just to do it again. I realised that I can now focus on getting my ass to a DZ and jump. I can save my money for my jumps. I can spend it more wisely. And that everytime if I am on the verge of relapse, I can tell myself that $200 is equivalent to 4 jumps. And I can match my money to the number of jumps I do.

I haven't been jumping for a long time and I think it is about time I go back to that sports. I miss it. I miss the old days, I miss the experience. I miss being free in the air. I miss the thrill. I miss being focused. Because skydivin is about being focused and everything is in seconds. No hesitations, no mistakes and safety is a big concern. I miss all that. Decision making has to be firm and precised and on the dot cause there is no time to ponder. The life and death. Where my life is in my own hands.

The happiness after a good jump. The joy of being able to execute an action as planned. The discipline of not drinking 12 hours before every jump. I dont enjoy the waking up in the morning at wee hours but I will do it all the same. The friendship. The meeting of the same kind of people.

I consider myself weird so, meeting people with the same minds, the same hobby, the same enthusiasm, is just priceless. The danger involved. The risk. This goes way way more then gambling. Gambling is all about money and nothing else. But this? It's about me. My life. 7 years....5 years I guess was the point where I got restless. Looking for excitment in my boredom. And I took on gambling. That was stupid. I could have gone to NZ or Oz and had a more eventful time and money well spent instead of gambling.

Now is the turning point. Now it is time to change. I remember my friend telling me that gambling was a feed on for something else. A hunger. Which was difficult to indentify so we deal with the feeding instead. To feed on something else to fill that hunger. But I wasn't convinced. I was searching for what the hunger was and what caused it. I guess I know now.

Because my life has been so exciting, when growing up, I've always had that hunger for thrill. Every since skydiving, nothing else mattered. Nothing else I guess could feed that hunger. And I am realising now what that hunger might be. It is such a relief.

I was feeling so depressed I was starting to feel hopeless. But last night and today, after watching that video over and over and over and over again, I've realised what I was missing. And I have refound my love and passion. Something that I've held so dearly to my heart and lost it in the midst of living without.

I am determind to be free. Free in the air, free from the stupid addiciton of gambling online, free to be who I really am, freefalling.

When someone touches your heart....even in the slightest ways.

Yesterday morning I got a text saying that my instructor for my hypnotherapist course has passed away on Wednesday night. It was shocking news to me. I thought and hoped that someone was just playing a sick joke! But it was later confirmed to be true.

When the shock set in after confirmation of his passing, my tears starting to flow. I felt the lose. Even though I wouldn't say I was very close to him, but he makes me cry.

Even during therapy, when I was a subject to demostrate certain part of his teaching, he made me cry. Not intentionally of course but just how he could push my buttons emotionally. I am the sort of person what he calls hides my feelings very well. Typical "crab" where it's hard on the outside but soft on the inside.

He called me last week. Saying that he missed me and how come I don't go see him and what's up with me. And if everything is ok. He was also conducting the advance course tomorrow which he asked if I wanted to join in. I told him I am not in the position to spend right now and I am a bit tied up this month too. But I volunteered to be his subject again during his course and I joked about how I was suffering from withdrawal syndromes and how I needed to be hypnotised. I even joked about how he likes to make me cry since 2 times I was hypnotised by him, 2 times I was tearing. He brought out a lot of hidden emotions in me.

This is the second time he's asked me to join his advance course and is willing to talk about the course fees later. I wished I took up his offer the first time. Now I can never learn from him again. I was always afraid when someone is nice to me. I've been brought up to look for hidden agendas when people are nice to me. I have always been independent and I do not like to owe people favors. Only people owe me favors. But his call last week and his genuine concern about how I was got me crying like a baby in the company toilet. I tried so hard not to cry in the office and eventually had to leave my desk and go out in the heavy downpour to my customer's place.

My customers were impressed that I showed up even with the heavy rainfall. They were thinking damn..this girl will come even with the rain! My jeans were wet from the ankles to the knees. What they didn't know is that I had to get away. I had to be alone and cry where no one could see me. I was so sad.

I am still teary today when I think about how he could read me. Because all these years, I haven't come across anyone who could read me like a book when they don't even know me. And by being his subject, he helped me (under therapy) to see my own issues.

I was talking to a customer yesterday and we were talking about therapy. He told me that the one wise thing he did was go for therapy with his wife in his 30s and that had made such a difference in the way he lived and how he saw things after that. And how glad he was that he went.

In Asia, letting someone know you go for therapy is like telling the world that there is something wrong with you! Like it is a taboo! But is there not something wrong with everyone in this world?

I wanted to stop my gambling which is why I sorted out hypnosis to see if it could help. But instead of going for therapy, I thought I will take up the course for future if and when maybe I can't do outdoor sales anymore. Planning for the future kind of. Plus curing my gambling addiction and also well, learn something new and I loved it.

Doc has made it fun and interesting and opened my mind about hypnosis and the myths and misconceptions of it. He has thought me to look inside me. What brought us to where we are today are not the life changing experiences but the little things that happens and affect us everyday. Even some thing we don't remember or have no impression or chose to forget, can be brought back. Some of which are issues we choose to ignore or pretend it never happened, or even convince ourselves that it was ok. But someone, it is still stuck in our heads. Whether we like it or not. Fact. And we don't realise how much we have to deal with in order to get those out of our system. When we do look inside, not even by choice sometimes (like when under hypnosis, the body knows where to take you to your issue even though you don't think it is one without anyone directing or instigating.), we are forced to face it. The problem, the issue, the unresolved emotions, the pain, the hurt, etc.

I saw it with my own eyes how my classmate went back to when she was 5. When I was under, I only went back to 4 years back. When I asked the question how come I didn't go back to when I was young, apparently, the issue or incident 4 years back is something I had to resolve.

I still haven't quite figure out why that was a problem or why my body brought me back. I didn't think it was an issue anymore. But that got me thinking deep.

Anyway, I felt the lose. I felt like he touched my heart even though I hardly knew him. And I feel like I've lost a friend. Someone who was going to help me. And now.....I feel lost.